I am the gatekeeper to my own destiny

I have a friend. Surprising? I know. But this friend has MS. And while it is not cancer, we have dealt with many of the same issues including infusion room treatments, fatigue, aches and pains. Earlier she posted that it took her a number of years to attend a conference about MS, "because I couldn't look others in the eye who also have MS."

To borrow some words from Hank, it hit me like a 50's Packard driving through my chest. I have felt that. I think I have said on here before that I felt like my cancer was a social disease. Like others might treat me like I must have done something to deserve it. I was ashamed of my cancer and did not want to talk to others about it.

From Fight Club, the book, I found a new level of meaning in this quote from Tyler/Jack, "My fear is that people will see my [cancer] and I'll start to die in their minds. The cancer I don't have is everywhere now." Of course, I too feared that I would be a symbol of death and decay in people's eyes. But then beyond that, I realized that paralyzing fear was as bad as my cancer. It chancred me, spread rampant throughout and threatened to consume me. It was my non-existant cancer. The one I created and set loose within to destroy me.

I do not know how to help people understand that other than by example. Hopefully, in seeing that someone else has "self infected," as it were, they can see it and be liberated from the same folly. I hope so. I hope I can help others understand that they don't have to live in the mental state of anguish just because of some stupid physical malady. We can learn a lot from the wisdom of other brilliant men.

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” (Groucho Marx)

Maybe we eat it tomorrow. But maybe not. Most likely not. So today, "I am the gatekeeper to my own destiny and I will have my glory day in the hot sun." (Nacho Libre)

...Wow. That's a weird bunch of people to string together. My friend "M", Henry Rollins, Chuck Palahniuk, Groucho Marx, and Nacho. I should go to bed before this gets worse. I will have to re-read this tomorrow and probably make drastic edits. And so, thus ends the late night ramblings of one who should be drawing instead of stringing improbable people together.

Good night, and good luck. (...dang it!)